Feelings and emotional states are always perceptible in the body. If you are unsure what you feel, pay attention to your body. Can you localize where, in which part of your body, that you “feel” the emotion?
Feelings begin with our thoughts. When we think that a need is not being met, a negative feeling arises. Positive feelings, on the other hand, come to light when we feel a need is met.
Yet often we make assumptions about someone else’s intentions, which leads to our thinking something that may not be intended, it rests upon a misperception, and as a result in a feeling that arises from that thought.
For example, you may think that you are being challenged, intimidated or being put under pressure by something someone said. The underlying real feeling though maybe fear, or shame, or guilt. This could come from thoughts such as “I did something wrong” or “I am not good enough”.
When you know how to interpret these emotions and extract the underlying feelings, when you can name the need that is not being met, you are though, able to change the entire situation. How? By sharing with the other person just how you are doing at this particular moment. Using the example given above, you could say: I feel shame when I think you expected more of me; or I feel guilty that I have not explained myself sufficiently to you. Being open about the underlying thought that is giving you this feeling, brings the conversation to a whole new level – you are able to direct the conversation (and as a consequence, the situation).
No feeling is wrong, rather all feelings give us feedback. When we become aware of our feelings, we get more clarity on what our needs are.
We all set examples, not only in how we act and respond to others, but in how we live our lives. That means, not only in what we speak and do, but also how we show the world that we treat ourselves. For me, that is a good thing – because it means we are alive, breathing, taking up space, showing up and just “being”. We can and do influence others with “just” our presence. Are you aware of how you show up? How much thought do you give to the example you are setting for others? How powerful do you think you are? How powerful do you believe you are?
… for one of those days when you feel like today is the day you are stuck pushing the bicycle uphill…
Let’s talk about feeling displaced today… that feeling of not belonging, or of not fitting in, or of just not “being you” at your best … because you know what? This feeling can show up at any time – it happens to everybody. Really.
It’s those moments when we feel like we’re “in the wrong place, I shouldn’t be here” or we just “did something stupid – everybody is going to notice my mistake” or even the hard core version: “nobody values me / nobody cares” type of thinking or self talk that can go on in our minds.
I’m not going to go into the dynamics of what this means in terms of self-esteem, self-confidence, feelings of self-worth and so forth … rather, I’d like to give you a quick self-help tool that you can use to pull yourself out of this kind of negative self-talk – like real fast!
Here’s how you do it:
1. Step: Write down 5 to 10 things that you fear someone will find out about you – what are you afraid of? i.e. That you’re not good enough? That you’re not smart enough? That you’re too old, too young, too bald, too blond, too shy, too uppity? What are 5 to 10 things that you are afraid of sharing about yourself? Write them down, every single one – but at least capture 5 – bring those monsters out in to the light.
<See? That wasn’t so hard! And now that it is done, you’ve put it out in the open, you have, figuratively speaking, shown the flashlight under the bed and the monster wasn’t there anymore. Good for you!>
2. Step: Now write down 5 to 10 things that people have said about you that shows you had some kind of impact on them or their lives. i.e. Even it is your favorite fan (your mother) or somebody who would not dare say anything bad about your (your partner) – capture as many as you can, but write it down: i.e.: Colleague at work: That was the best meeting I’ve been in for the longest time! Thanks for organizing it this time! (Could you do this at every meeting, then we wouldn’t waste so much time)? Best friend: I will only go there if you go with me. I couldn’t stand to be there without you! Online friend: You really shine! Boss: “I noticed all the good stuff you’re doing lately …” At a pitch: “I wish I could afford you – what you’re doing looks so good” (and they didn’t even know what the price would be, because they didn’t ask for it!)
Whatever it is for you – write it down. Better yet: start keeping those little quotes and notes in your notebook or capture them in your calendar. This is your “I need to pick myself back up” process.
I’d love to hear how you used this for yourself … please do share your story here!
Disagreements happen. It would be a totally boring world if everyone agreed on everything – then no growth would happen, no progress in science, or anywhere – actually. In my opinion, it isn’t always important to “be understood” – rather I put more weight on “seeking to understand”.
Yet that only gets a person so far.
If your goal is make progress, maybe even to shake up the status quo, then there will always be someone who doesn’t want the status quo changed, or their belief of what is true/good/right challenged. And they will disagree with you. It is, after all, the easy the way out … to just let things stay as they are, or are commonly accepted. It doesn’t cost a lot of brain energy to keep things as they are, after all. Inertia – even mental inertia – is the biggest enemy of growth!
Then there are those that disagree, simply just to disagree. In my experience, these are people that have a history of feeling like they were overlooked and did not receive the recognition they felt they deserved at some point in their life.
There are also those, that disagree because they have a set mindset about something – a belief that, if it were questioned – would change their whole view of how the world works. It is too painful for them to allow for any other variation than their own “truth”.
I love the idea of getting on solid, mutual ground in any disagreement by engaging with the other person through curiosity. Some questions I use to foster curiousity, are:
– What is so important about this for you? – How is this important to you, personally? – What kind of experience have you had with xyz – and were there any times that experienced turned out differently than you expected? – Do you have any role models or examples for this xyz… and what impresses you so much about this role model? – Why, do you think, is your role model doing things this way? – How does what you’re disagreeing with me about, serve you? – Let’s imagine we switched places and you were on my side of this disagreement. What would I need to say to you, to get you to understand my side? – …
Disagreements can be fuel for growth – on both sides! It is how the disagreement is carried through, that demonstrates the maturity of those disagreeing.
Regretfully, we don’t have many role models in politics these days, that are demonstrating good skills at disagreeing in a growth-focused fashion. Too many, “my-way-or-the-highway” examples are being set in the news. Inertia sits deep – and many folks are just following some stated ideology because that is what they’ve always done – it’s the easy way out and they don’t have to exercise their brain cells. People of influence, who are willing to demonstrate how their critical-thinking has brought them to the conclusions they have, why they do what they do, or say what they say, are quite rare these days.
What are you doing to make the most out of a disagreement you may be having? How are you growing when you’re in such a situation?
A waterline is the line upon which a ship’s hull is either under water – or above water. Now imagine someone would drill a hole into the hull of this ship. If you drill a hole in the hull of this ship above the waterline, it won’t sink. If you drill one below the waterline – well, get into your life jackets and into the life boats, folks! When you are working in a team, or just working together with others, things can get complicated. There are goals that each of the various individuals may deem to be more important than others, or things they value higher than you do. The more people you are working with, and the more objectives you all have to address, the more complicated this can get. In this metaphor, it means: if the complications trespass a personal boundary that is “above the line”, it may not be nice, but this “hole” will not cause the ship to sink – you can continue to work together. Yet if you drill a hole beneath the waterline, trespass personal boundaries, then the entire team could down with the ship. One thing is for sure, if you are all equally invested in the outcome, then you should be investing time and energy into the relationship with the others. Complexity has its own self-perpetuating energy. Unnecessary discussions? Assumptions being made? Half-truths spoken? All of these time-consuming distractions could be avoided if everyone on the team knew how to communicate the boundaries of what is above, and what is below their own personal waterline. What is your own personal waterline? Do you know the waterline of those who are closest to you?
Look at the time right now, please. Done? Write it down and what you’re doing (uhhh – you’re in Facebook! LOL!) Now I bet I can tell you what you’ll be doing 5 minutes from now… Exactly the same thing.
A lot of the time, it isn’t our self-esteem, or self-confidence, or overflowing to-do list that keeps us from doing what we think we should be – or could be – doing, it is …. <drumroll please> …. Inertia. We simply just keep doing what we have been doing, because that is the easiest thing to do.
Ponder over that for a moment. What time is it now?
What do you do, to overcome inertia? How do you stop doing something and move on to the next thing?
Isabelle Mercier said, “What you tolerate, you worry about.” 40% of what we worry about, will never happen 30% of what we worry about, has already happened 12% of what we worry about, are needless worries 10% of what we worry about, are petty and miscellaneous only 8% of what we worry about, are really worth worrying about.
It’s a brand new year and I was wondering how you are coming along with those New Year resolutions – if you made any, that is 😉 .
A study was done amongst Fortune 100 company employees that included 250,000 people that had undergone coaching, to find out how many of these had really achieved their aspired change after their coaching had ended (and they had been coached by extremely proficient leadership / business coaches). The result was unequivocal: very few people achieve positive, lasting change without ongoing follow-up. Unless they knew that they were going to be measured on what they promised they would do – they did continued to do what they had always done. It is called “the fall to inertia”. On the other hand, those that knew they were going to be held accountable, that someone was watching them, paying attention to them, or caring about them, or evaluating them with follow-up questions – they were far more likely to change.
How are you measuring your progress on your aspired goals? How are you letting yourself be held accountable?
I would love to find out more about what you do to make sure you reach those goals you set for yourself!
The American Society for Training and Development conducted research on the probability of a person actually acting on, and completing something they want to do (so this is about making an idea you have into reality).
This is what they came up with:
1. If you hear an idea = 10% chance that you will act on it
2. If you consciously decide to adopt an idea = 25% chance you will act on it
3. If you decide when to act on the idea = 40% chance that you will act on it
4. If you design a plan to act on the idea = 50% chance (we’re getting there!) that you will act on it.
5. If you commit to another person to act on the plan = 65% probability (tell someone what you want to do and this is how probable it is that you will do it)
6. If you have a specific accountability appointment with the person to whom you made your commitment = 95% probability that you will actually complete what you set out to do! So now all you need is an accountability partner! (more…)
Are you feeling challenged in a relationship? You feel like “it” isn’t working for you, or you wonder what’s going on with someone because you can’t seem to “reach” them? In those times when you are expecting something of (or from) someone else, and it isn’t coming, then we ourselves can feel displaced, misunderstood, maybe even wrongly judged.
Here is a way you can help yourself out, by remembering it all starts with “me”. I know, this sounds like a Facebook meme (and it is one, I’ve seen it pop up often enough myself) nevertheless, it really is the key to unlock those moments of relationship confusion. (The next time this meme shows up in your Facebook feed, you might want to hold back for a minute before you pass it over and just for a moment, recall this post.)
Especially at times when you’re feeling frustrated, dejected, like you’ve lost – or are losing, lines of communication with others in your life, start by listening to yourself. You want to find clarity within yourself first, before asking of clarity from someone else.
So, in case you’re not sure how to go about this, I urge you to read on.
Ask yourself: what do I value about me? What do I like about me? Who am I when I’m being my best me? What am I doing when I like myself the most?
If that doesn’t get you centered, then go to these questions:
Where in my life, am I nurturing myself? Am I paying attention to my own needs? Is my own cup full (of compassion) for myself so I am able to pour (some compassion) out upon others?
Am I listening to myself? What is my body telling me? Not only my mind, but my heart, my gut? Do I get tied up in knots just trying to listen to myself? (If that’s the case, then for god’s sake, take a deep breath, and another one, and yet another one – you do want to slow down first!)
Relationships will be strong, loving and nurturing when we first expand our awareness to find the peace, forgiveness and love that is inside of us.
Relationships start from the inside-out, and don’t come from the outside-in.